The Problem with Chairs

 By Roosevelt Guns

The problem with chairs these days is they are designed for things far beyond the purpose of sitting. The chairs of today have hidden agendas, schemes, and functions that surpass the traditional intention of a resting place for your rear end.

Chairs of politicians are luxurious and obscenely comfortable, with throne-like arm rests and cushions fluffed to perfection. This is for optimum dozing conditions, intended to lull even the most alert of stuffed-up old men into a slumber that prohibits any real attention being paid during meetings and delegations, therefore letting the government get away with nearly anything.

The most obvious example is that of the Chair of Education, the very chairs that house our bottoms for six hours a day, five days a week. These chairs are not made to help stimulate your brain and cushion your delicate developing bodies. They are made to cramp you and stuff you into the most uncomfortable, disfiguring positions possible without killing you – eliminating any chance of allowing creative juices to get flowing. Any likelihood, any remote probability of something radical and paradigm-shifting emerging from your blooming minds is nipped in the bud with giant hedge cutters disguised as petroleum and metal chairs.

Me being the activist I am, I intend to do absolutely nothing about our current chair situation at our school and in the world, and sit (ha-ha!) around until someone does. My bottom is getting awfully sore from sitting in the seat of oppression.